We like to imagine we are in control. The dominant culture encourages us to decide what we want, plan to go after it, and work hard to achieve it. We want to be go getters.
The cost of that outlook is often anxiety, ill health, and loneliness. What is meant to bring happiness instead brings frustration and sorrow.
There are other options.
When my daughter was a toddler, we took her to a water babies’ class. Parents and child, we spent time in the swimming pool playing. “Motorboat, motorboat go so slow” we would chant as we moved her gently through the water. “Motorboat, motorboat go so fast,” we’d say as we moved her more quickly. She loved the water, loved feeling it sliding around her body. She would grin. “Motorboat, motorboat step on the gas!” Now we would move her forward with a splash. She would laugh in delight.
The laughter stopped when it was time to float. We would lay her on her back, but trusting the water was difficult. Her head would come up. Her arms would paddle. She would flounder. She reminded me of me.
It is hard to let go, hard to stop the motion and rest in stillness.
The truth is we are not in control. No amount of pretending can make it so. In fact, the illusion of dominion gets us tied up in knots.
“Radical powerlessness,” writes Rabbi Rami Shapiro “is radical freedom, liberating you from the need to control the ocean of life and freeing you to learn how best to navigate it.”
There is freedom in surrender. When we stop struggling, we find our burdens lighter.
They become even less onerous when we work together. Recently, a friend was facing a difficult situation and had an appointment to discuss it. There was nothing I could do to “fix” it. We arranged that he would call me for support before he left for the appointment and call again when he returned. During the first call, I could remind him of his strength and skills and assure him that he is loved no matter the outcome. The second call would allow him to describe what happened and express and discharge his emotions.
For both calls, we had to release control and improvise. We felt better and stronger for sharing the experience.
Since what we see around us is people grasping after power and control, it takes practice to go against the grain.
When we notice ourselves trying to control the uncontrollable, we can stop, breathe, release and relax. Surrender and surrender and surrender. The less struggle we have in our lives, the more energy will be released.
May you find freedom in radical powerlessness.
In your journal:
- Describe a time you tried to control the uncontrollable.
- What is your experience with surrender?
- What do you think of the phrase “radical powerlessness”?