I painted this morning. My aide, Jenny, set out the paints and the paper and sprayed water on the paint tray to awaken the watercolors. My wooden-handled brushes sat beside the paints. I have had them for 30 years; they are old friends. I lifted a rectangular brush and put it in the cerulean blue to load it. How heavy the brush was! How weak my arm was. But I dipped and swirled. Blues, greens… A red-orange color I quite like… Each trip from paint tray to paper was an effort. I could feel myself lifting from my shoulder, my grip loose on the brushes. I couldn’t steer my gesture. The marks were not what I intended. Dip and swirl, dip and smear. Switching to a smaller brush made a lighter load, but didn’t increase my control. Dip and swirl, dip and smear. The colors blended. The marks delighted me.
There were moments of grief when I remembered what I could have done then and realized what I cannot do now. It’s okay. My heart stretched to allow what is.
There were moments of ambition when I wondered if there is a way I could paint by mouth and therefore regain control. It’s all right. I remind myself this is a process of release and my soul finds peace.
This is a holy place. Take off your shoes. That’s wisdom code for letting go of everything you think will take you from here to there. Let go of your ambition. Let go of the way of the world. Let go of what you think will protect you. Enter this place with your heart wide open naked. Ready to be destroyed.
Only then, when you have sloughed off everything you thought defined you, will you discover the truth. This surprising arrangement of molecules, these hands and feet, this nose, this brain, this consciousness, are simply trinkets of the Lifeforce. You, yourself, are a creative experiment.
And now, go back into your day, knowing that nothing is you and everything is you and everything is sacred. Whether you can or can’t doesn’t signify. At the same time, make beauty. Propagate peace. Spread love. Nudge the creation towards kindness. Every blink of your eye is a mark in the Grand Drawing, an intimation of the divine. Every breath is an exchange with the Creator.