Kind promise: I will open to this moment.
I’m having trouble finding words that describe what I am seeking with this promise. I want to meet each moment of my life without expectation or judgment. I want to let go of both fear and hope and experience what is.
Searching for other people’s wisdom, I wandered through words like “wholeness” and “contentment.” Those words don’t quite fit; if I reach for them, I’m implying that there is a brokenness or dissatisfaction that I want to avoid.
What I’m asking of myself is to return to openness the way I return to following the breath when I’m meditating. Very often, my anticipation of the next moment causes me to stiffen in fear or lean forward in eagerness. I am asking myself to relax and wait to see what happens.
My monsters are sure that if I don’t anticipate, I will come to the moment unprepared and I will either be hurt by unforeseen danger or bypassed by something wonderful. The monsters would prefer that I move through life in full armor and simultaneously have supersensitive radar that will allow me to drop the armor instantly if delight looms.
What I need instead is to be willing to be hurt.
I confess I have been trying to avoid words like “trust” and “faith” because they draw me into theological meanderings that will (A) suck me in forever because I like meandering or (B) offend somebody. At this point, however, I don’t see any way around it.
The only way I can be willing to be hurt is to trust that I will survive the wounding. I must have faith that the rewards of being open are greater than the risks.
Gestural reminder: ASL for open
Mental response: “I am brave enough to open to this moment.”